Because a man can’t live of his dreams…

A poetical medley of lyrics and self-written letters to the only men in the world I have ever loved so much that I can’t forget my love. This one is for the man I met on the other side of the world. We had an extraordinary, almost magical, time together. We held contact and kept dreaming. When met a few times again, knowing this was extremely special but from one day to another I decided to end it all. Because a man can’t live of his dreams and as someone said it so beautifully: “you can’t eat love.”

I still have difficulties with forgiving myself in making the decision of leaving somebody, not because I didn’t love him anymore but because of self-protection. I played the father figure I did not have, and decided for myself that I deserved better. Now I often think: who am I to think that I am that special. Maybe he was more… Anyhow, we both left in opposite directions, in search for a new life and especially in search for a new meaning of life. I guess we’ll both still searching, not able to figure it out yet…

I wish I could just meet you
meet you again so you could see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who I wanted, you really were it all

Well, now there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that’s what I’ve got to face
‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You’re the only one who I really really wanted, you were it all

So I just have to face now
That there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

I used to think that if I closed my eyes and imagined you were there
You would do the same and see me too
I just knew our love was true
It was the most true feeling I ever felt
It was the realest love I ever felt
But still I’ve let you go
Why, I don’t know
No, I do know but I can’t forgive myself

Because I know now how precious love is
Because when you have none, you can’t live
Baby, I can’t live without you
But life goes on
And you are already gone

Oh baby, I can’t forgive myself
I’d give my all to have
Just one more day with you
I’d risk my life to know
That you’re doing fine
Right now
‘cause I can’t go on
Living in the memory of …
Of how you lived back there

Baby, can you still feel me
Imagining I’m sitting with you at the dock
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you’re so far
Like a distant star
I’m wishing on today
That you’re okay.

Because no. No, I can’t forget that morning
Or your face as I was leaving
But I guess there is nothing do about it anymore
You always smiled…
But in your eyes your sorrow showed
Yes it showed
That for me you couldn’t be

No, I can’t forget about tomorrow
When I think of all your sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
What you should know
I am very sorry to be the one to let you go
That I am still very much in love with you
But it just couldn’t be true
Because it might’ve been too good to be true

But baby, just remember you’re my hero
Just look inside your heart
And see that I will always stay in there
There is always an answer, just reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away

I wish I could be here with you today
So that my hero could come along
With the strength that he made me carry on
You casted my fears aside
Oh baby, but I know you will survive
With or without me
So, when you feel like hope is gone,
Just look inside yourself and be strong
And you’ll finally see the truth
That I still love you…
And be forever there with you…

But right now, it’s a long road, because we face the world alone
And no one reaches out a hand for us to hold…
They say you can find love if you search within yourself
And yes, I know you’re there
So the emptiness we feel can disappear…

Only Lord knows dreams are hard to follow
And we didn’t let anyone tear them away
We hold on, and there was the day,
In time we found our way…

I just hold on, because there will be tomorrow,
I just doubt you’ll find the way?

We were as one, baby
For a moment in time
The world was ours
And it seemed everlasting
You would always be mine
Then I wanted to be free
And so you’ll let me fly
Because you know in your heart
Our love will never die

Baby, thank you
You’ll aways be part of me
I’m part of you indefinitely
Time can’t erase a feeling this strong

You weren’t crying, no
And you weren’t begging me to stay
I was determined to leave, yes
You were not standing in my way
But inevitably
I’ll want to go back again
Because I know in my heart, baby
Our love will never end

I hope that you’ll be okay one day
And your days and your nights get a little bit warmer
I know that you’ll be alright
Oh baby, believe me it’s only a matter of time

Dedicated to Venancio Vilfredo Martinez Gonzales (°29/01/1971, Roatan – Honduras)

Edited lyrics from Mariah Carey (Against All Odds, My All, Without You, Hero & Always be my baby)

A (f*cked up) Love Poem

Goodbye my friend, Goodbye my lover

Goodbye

It’s hard to say goodbye, to tell myself I don’t need you anymore

I still haven’t find out where you were stuck: in my heart of in my mind

I can’t figure it out – I lost my proud

I exchanged love for a passion, you became my toy instead of my right hand

You were my back-up plan, but you didn’t make a chance as my man

In my mind, I fucked you and I mind-fucked you

More and more

I wanted to be more, I felt more, there was nothing more

Whenever you walked out the door

I only remember two moments

On the floor, Once fucking – Once crying

 

They say 1 + 1 is 2 but together we were a fucking rollercoaster

You made me crazy

Oh yes and I was crazy about you

But damn I still wonder did I love you

Or did I love it

Feeling like a mess because of your shit

They say shit happens

And life ‘s a bitch

You’re the shit, I’m a bitch

I’m living and you just happened

Guess it was all worth it in

the end

Because now I know finally

That I was wrong and that the right thing is to leave you behind

It is time to unwind

Getting ready

Thursday I had an official meeting called “Get Reddie”. All students that go on Erasmus (study or practice) came together with coordinators… They informed us concerning necessary documents, practical issues and even emotional issues.

Ever since that evening, I realise it’s really coming closer!!

The closer they get, the farther away they seem to be
because you simply cannot believe
dreams that are too good to be true
dreams that are as good as just true

So maybe, for those who didn’t know yet: next semester I’ll be going to Spain to study one semester. The exchange program is officially called Erasmus.

Currently, I am following 6 hours of Spanish: 3 at school and 3 at Antwerp’s University during the evening. So I am definately working on it. However, I am a little bit frightened of the language, not because I don’t think I will learn it overthere, but because I have to take classes – follow courses in Spanish there. It definately won’t be easy but I hope that I will make it.

Apart from that, I am still searching for accommodation – a place to stay… I’ve sent a few emails but I guess it’s typically Spanish to NOT answer on any of them. So I’m sending reminders and other emails and it takes a lot of time without having a lot of results. Fortunately, I did manage to get officially enrolled for the degree in Tourism at the University overthere, which took from May until October to get accepted?! Again here: theydid not answer, not receive things, they needed other documents etcetera. But heeey!! I made it! I am officially accepted at the University of Valencia. So that brings us back to my first point: I have to get ready!!

The more I manage to prepare, the more unprepared there seems to be. I guess it will be as usual: the moment I leave, I will still feel unprepared. That’s so typically!   But honestly, I just can’t wait to leave! Even though a part of me is so scared to do it and even though another part in me feels like this still isn’t true. Because it’s just too good to be true?!

So, just to inform you: here I will also put my blog messages from ‘my adventure in Spain’ once I’m there… Looking forward!